Cutco (Cut-rate) Cutlery

So, there I was using some knives when, all of thesudden, the blade on the knife I decided to use pops right off! Yousee, "these (weren't) no ord-dranary knives." I should have knownwhen I got a double negative from the phone representative that Imight have a little trouble getting an exchange.

Well, as it turned out, my incredible, super-humanstrength wasn't the reason the knife broke; it had broken earlierwhen my mom used her incredible, super-human strength. Of course, weweren't using the aforementioned strength to try to break theknife-we were just using it (and the knife) to do our regular,everyday knife activities, like cutting through a tin can and theneasily slicing through a tomato; or sawing through the heel of aconstruction boot and then effortlessly julienne-ing carrots (I'vebeen watching too many info-mercials).

When we bought the knives from my one-time Cutcosalesman brother, Jino, we were told that every knife had ahassle-free exchange policy. We would be able to exchange the kniveswhenever we wanted - forever! With this in mind, we let over a yeargo by before we decided to act. True to their statement, during thatyear, no-one called us from the company trying to hassle us intoexchanging the knife.

Before I go on-let me just tell you-the otherknives we bought work great, and I know of many other people who arehappily using their Cutco knives. You know, they've got this great"hook" (that my brother only half learned) to get you to buy theirknives. I will spare you the details of this "hook" for fear that youmay compulsively want to go out and buy these Cutco knives. Let'sjust say that after listening to my brother's speech, I NEEDEDknives, Cutco knives. I needed knives like I needed air; I couldn'teat or sleep until that set of Cutco culinary cutlery par excellancewas delivered to me. I should have made an offer on the demo set...Anyway, it wasn't quite like that, but that's how the company thinksyou should feel if you're not already using Cutco.

Okay, a few months after our purchase, one of theknives break. We bought several different types because Cutco insiststhat there is no such thing as an all-purpose knife - each task hasits own special knife (I wonder if Lorena Bobbit knew that? and whatwould it be called? - the Chub Chopper? Dick Dicer? or the Pee PeePeeler?). We had a dilemma: we only had one 6-inch chef's knife (Ioriginally wanted to buy a 5 foot 11 inch Korean guy's knife, butthey said something about how there weren't any 6-inch chefs). Sincethey were guaranteed for life, we didn't think we needed to buy morethan one. Also, since each task had its own special knife, now, withthis knife out of commission, there was a task that we couldn't do!Our dilemma was profound indeed; we kept asking ourselves, "Could the5.9 inch chef's knife and the 6.1 inch chef's knife take up theslack?" Well, that knife has been out for a year, and, frankly, notreally missed, especially since we have some top of the line Henckelsknives (we also have some of that Henckels Eversharp crap) that seemto work just as well.

So, now, I'm calling the area sales and service"center" and the phone keeps ringin' and ringin'. I get the addressof the number from an old computerized phone number database. Itlooks like a residential address; that makes sense, since sales ofCutco knives are usually door to door. It's close by so I go there...HUGE!!! I'm tellin' you, I need to start sellin' knives! This guy'shouse is Gi-normous! I don't know about you but, I don't necessarilywant to know how much profit is built into the product I'm buying.I'm sure that there is plenty made on other knives too, but, if Iwalked into a department store and wanted to buy some Henckels,Wustoff, Sabatier, or even Farberware knives and then the salespersonshows me the house they just bought and I'm about to help pay for,I'd be pretty upset. So, rather than getting upset, I leave, notwanting to find out that this was the right place. I go home.

At home, I call the main number... SCREEECH!!!...I guess I got a modem line. The words "hassle" and "free" start breakdancing in my head. I dial again, hoping I miss dialed...SCRREEEEEECH!!!... It seemed louder this time. I call information andthey can't find the listing in the city I thought it should be in. Irecheck some paperwork. I call again and ask if I could do adirectory search... Pasadena! A new number and different city! Hah!"I've got you now!" I thought. I call the new number... busy. I tryagain later... the guy I need to talk to is in a meeting. Sure heis... he's probably figuring out where to move next. I tell the ladywho answered the phone my problem, she seemed helpful and concernedenough. She was surprised that it had broken. "Where was it broken?"she asked. "Does it matter?" I thought. "It was broken in thekitchen," I told her. "No, where on the knife was it broken?" sheasked. "Ohhhh!!!..." I told her where and she proceeded to tell methat "Cutco knives ain't no ord-dranary knives" (I could have sworn Iheard her spit into a spittoon). She told me that the manager wouldcall me back. Now, Hassle and Free are gettin' serious, they're backspinnin', head spinnin', centipeding, egg rolling, poping and doingthat robotic thing.

About a half an hour later, "Mike from Cutco"calls me back! Wow!!! He gives me an address in NY and tells me toput the knife in a padded envelope and send it there where they willexchange it - "hassle free." He doesn't know it, but Hassle, Free,and I go way back. He doesn't seem to have much confidence in thequality, namely sharpness, of his knives. I'm not sure if a merepadded envelope would be enough to send a knife that "never needssharpening" through the mail. Anyways, I'm okay now. We'll see whathappens after I send the knife away. For now, the dancing hasstopped, but, the music continues... "Beat Street - the king of thebeat - I see ya rockin' that beat from across the street - Uh - hu -hu... Beat Street is a lesson too - Cause - Uh - hu - hu - Ya can'tlet the street beat you..."

 

 

 

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